To Those Who Aren’t New to Social Distancing

I read a headline two years ago when the pandemic began: “Parties—not protests—are causing a spike in COVID-19 cases.” It made sense to me because the easiest way to stop the spread of infectious diseases is the hardest thing for people to do; stay away from each other. Socializing was never my thing because I grew up believing myself and my emotions were a nuisance. So, when our governor issued her first Stay Home order I was on board. 

Watching YouTube has become my favorite pastime so during our shutdown it was time to indulge. I filled my days with running around my Animal Crossing island, Jacksepticeye videos and day-drinking. I cleaned the house, got in the sauna, and worked out at home. It’s not the same as the gym but to keep people around me safe it was a good back-up. 

Parties being super-spreader events makes sense for several reasons. Not only because you’re more likely to breathe in COVID-19 than any other method, but human nature is congregation. It’s natural to want to get together and that being risky is hard to grasp.  

Of course people want to celebrate with their friends and families. But today’s world requires loving each other from afar. Today loving people means staying away from them because you may not realize you’re carrying a killer virus.  

Most people want to focus on not getting viruses. I think there should be more emphasis on not spreading them. Because asymptomatic infection exists, we should operate as if we already have it and don’t want to give it to others because we’re considerate. 

Talking, laughing, and singing all expel A LOT of respiratory droplets into the air which is how COVID-19 (in particular) travels. But think about that—people getting together to talk, sing, and laugh is the foundation of our society. Weddings, church services, garden parties and related get-togethers usually include all of these. 

But now these things are dangerous, and people don’t want to adjust. I’ve never known the heartbreak of postponing a wedding, but I keep to myself so no one would want to marry me anytime soon anyway. I’ve never known a canceled prom or graduation party, but I didn’t have the best time at mine anyway. 

My social anxiety has helped keep people six feet away from me long before COVID-19 was discovered. In 2019 I spent my birthday home alone because my mom went to work at the Eastern Market and no one else reached out to me. I didn’t really have any ideas because only one co-worker expressed interest in hanging out and as sweet as she was, she wasn’t my first choice. I was my own company. 

Another mitigation strategy we used early in the pandemic, masks, are now a thing of the past. Many have ditched them, and most requirements are gone. Mine will stay on though, not only because I want to keep my germs to myself but it’s easier to hide. I can talk to myself in the grocery store to orient myself and no one looks at me weird. My facial expressions are only half-noticeable. I don’t have to smile at a random man who asks me to. It’s freeing for someone like me who gets uncomfortable with in-person interaction. 

It’s not easy to be yourself in a world where those in power and their allies get off on punishing people who are different. In my household and circle, my main lesson was to avoid making people around me uncomfortable. That clashed with my peers because they saw that as weakness to exploit. I kinda feel like a bunny – easily skittish and preyed on. I believe the best thing to do for the rabbits in our backyard is to leave them alone…and that’s how I feel about myself too. 

I might be too easily influenced by others’ opinions, I could just be selfish. Whatever the reason, it’s easier for me when people allow me to come to them and only as far as I want. The latter is important because once you give an inch people want all the rest of you too and that can be a lot for reserved people who don’t trust easily. 

Defending myself isn’t in my nature. I don’t want to fight back or be strong, it’s become too hard in today’s world. Growing up black, going to inner city schools, attending a predominant white institution…I’ve been in survival mode since birth. Now I want softness, protection, and safety. 

My problem isn’t just setting boundaries because while that’s still hard for me, I’m getting better about it. The problem is having to repeat myself when someone pushes back on a boundary. If I say “no,” or “I won’t,” it was difficult enough for me to say once, I don’t want to have to say it again. You’re telling me I gotta be firm and repeat boundaries regularly? And just accept that comes with interpersonal relationships? 

That’s why I’m antisocial. That’s why I keep my distance.